He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
