My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
