On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have aggressive nipples.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
