Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
