god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
