he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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