I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
