what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize