dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
