she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
