he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
