I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
