Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
