Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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