I'm gonna have a badass scar
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My vagina is officially offended.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
