Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
