I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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