So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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