There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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