Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
