They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
