Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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