hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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