Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
