every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
