You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
FUCK WHALES
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