can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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