What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize