at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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