You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
