Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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