the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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