Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
