No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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