Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
