brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
