grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
