I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
