I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
