We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
