Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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