you told grandpa to call you daddy
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
