Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
