He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
