Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
