I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
