obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize