You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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