it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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