Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can Purell be used as lube?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
