I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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