I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
