my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
