Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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