there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
