I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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