Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
