It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
