What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
