omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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