I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
